Guest Star List

Faves, Not so Faves, PLUS JEFF GARLIN more than once!

It’s a holiday week, and that means I could take a break. Not do a Friday Fresh Writing column. But, as mi compa Gustavo says, “gotta wurk.” He also says that on weeks like this, you do a list column. Or something fun and light. So here you go.

MY FAVORITE TEN GUEST STARS I EVER WORKED WITH

1) Jeff Garlin and Vince Neil and Carmen Electra all in one episode. It was Greetings From Tucson. I think Nick Lachey was also in the same episode. It was the early 2000s, the WB was trying to throw guest stars at everything to try and keep not just ratings on my show up, but the whole network was in danger (and later cancelled/merged with UPN to make the CW). Highlight of the week of shooting was Jeff Garlin teaching Vince Neil how to improvise, and then Carmen Electra agreeing to be in the somewhat official photo of the writing staff.

2) Shakira, and also, Jeff Garlin. Telling a story that cemented forever for a generation that there was no Shakira, she was a magical made up version of Uncle Kelbo from the Wizards family.

3) The Rock. Just me and him and his own hair stylist, talking about whether it’s funnier to say “Internet,” or “Internets.”

4) Willie Garson. He guest starred in anything I ever had my hands on. He was amazing. My favorite being a fashion designer who told Cindy Crawford she was all washed up as a model.

5) Cheryl Ladd. She made things fun and light. Fun week on a show that was a terrible experience.

6) John Doe. Punk rock legend. Called a radio station he was being interviewed on. Indie 103.1. The greatest radio station that wasn’t successful. Offered him a part, which he graciously took. He was great. I was in heaven having one of my heroes around for a week.

7) Los Lobos. Eddie helped introduce me to them. They did the theme song to a show. And then showed up to play a neighborhood garage band that played Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Goin’ On?” and John Lennon’s “Beautiful Boy,” in the Xmas episode. A whole day of them onstage working out how the Beautiful Boy arrangement would work. Wish I had recorded it.

8) Fred Willard. My hero. My friend. A legend. He came through for me in ways no one will ever know.

9) Rita Moreno. She guest starred on a show that was cancelled after airing twice and shooting seven episodes. I spent all week with her on set. A couple years later, when she was in the cast of One Day At A Time, she didn’t remember meeting me or doing the episode of that show. I was momentarily hurt at not being memorable, but in the end, I think she was right to forget the whole thing.

10) Rob Reiner. Spoke about him a week ago. Just sort of the best of all the things. Was an improvisor with a group called The Committee. Dad created Dick Van Dyke Show. Meathead. Director of This Is Spinal Tap. The kind of Renaissance Man you’d want to know. And learn from.

And now the five worst guest stars I’ve ever had.

1) Richard Lewis. Quit on me during the pre-shoot. Spent all week rehearsing and then quit 30 minutes before we started shooting. Later sent me an autographed copy of his memoir as an apology. Who bailed me out? See Number 8, above.

2) Bella Thorne. Was told she would be huge and that if I knew what was good for me, I’d figure out how to put her in the show. She wasn’t good.

3) Brian Austin Green. Not a bad dude, at all. But I was on the show where he guest starred and met series regular and his future gf/wife Megan Fox. Was a weird week.

4) The Actor who I won’t name, but he nodded off in the makeup chair because he was using heroin. Tough week. Tough times. Wasn’t surprised when I read that he had passed. Demons, man. Tough to shake them.

5) Rosanne. I think she did a couple episodes. We weren’t allowed to approach her. Or we were. I think we were sort of told to stay away, but then she barked something like, “I won’t bite.” Which felt like exactly that.

And now, FIVE more great guest stars that I didn’t remember until I was trying to remember the bad ones.

1) Garry Marshall. Made a friend. Loved hanging out with him. Learned a lot. The show we were working on trying to sell when he passed away was about an Italian American who moves to Arizona and opens a music store that specializes in his instrument of choice, the accordion. The neighborhood is a Mexican-American one and also near the reservation, and his store becomes a local center of Norteno and Chicken-Scratch Polka music.

2) Eddie Olmos as a family priest.

3) Fred Dwyer. Can a former NFL player and star of a crime drama, “Hunter,” do comedy? The network wanted to know, and they asked if he could do an episode. He could NOT do comedy but was a lot of fun and told amazing stories all week long. If we could have filmed that, it would have been wonderful.

4) Dave Pasquesi. Greatest ensemble actor ever. Makes everyone look good around him. Best Bad Guy. Not bad guy as in evil. He just plays characters that seem very comfortable making choices with loose ethics.

5) Brigid Mendler. Guest star, Scientist, CEO. I mean… I don’t think I had anything to do with it, but maybe she did enough episodes of my show to know that, “I’ll do my own successful Disney Channel show, then a show with Bill Lawrence, and then I’ll quit the business.”

Being a guest star is tough work. You have to show up, be great and leave. And you’re jumping into a show that either is working and has its own rhythm set up already, or the show is a train wreck of dysfunction and wants nothing to do with you, but there you are. Careers get built off of doing jobs like this and going show to show while you wait for an opportunity to have your own show. It’s one of the rungs of the ladder in show business that feels in danger with shorter seasons, less money per show, and not enough roles to string a year together money wise. But do a guest star part right? And you start building and building.

Merry Xmas and Happy Holidays!