Flag Waving Will Get You Everywhere
Some words on Parades for the holiday.
The best parade in the world you never got to see. And I’m sorry for that. But I’ll tell you all about it, in honor of the day it took place every year, the fourth of July, for over twenty years.
First let’s discuss parades. What makes a good one? What are they? How bored do you get watching them? For some they are a show of strength. But also community, and celebration. They are a chance to take a pause from daily life to look at a spectacle and to be impressed by whoever it is that is throwing the parade. Like how when The Shriners would have the Shriner parade and the spectacle was, regular sized men driving very very tiny cars, while wearing those fun hats.
That’s a damn good parade. Maybe too good. They did such a great job at that, I didn’t know until very late in my life that The Shriners raise money and built a network of nonprofit pediatric medical facilities, “Shriner’s Children.” I thought this was there main job, driving tiny cars. They were so good at that, I didn’t know they were great at this other thing.
Of course you’ve seen parades, I don’t need to explain how they work. The marching, the music, etc. But how can you tell if they’re good?
I’m here to help. Here’s my top five rules for making any parade a great parade.
PARADE RULES FOR GREATNESS
1) There should be something surprising every five minutes. Don’t do band, band, band, horses, horses, car, car, car. Mix it up. Even better, make it surprising. This is tough to do with military parades, since it’s all usually one color for all of it. But still worth trying to do, okay military? Like have you seen the GIANT portraits of the North Korean leader that pop up during their military parades?
The 1980s comedy Animal House did this correctly. They had band, float, convertible with a political figure waving, then BOOM! A giant deathmobile made out of an old Lincoln that spit fire and smoke. That’s a way to keep people excited.
If the military parade had Shriners driving tiny cars after the tanks, that’d be great, too.
2) Make sure there are horses. Doesn’t matter what they’re doing, horses are one of the things you have to have to make it a parade. It’s why most Disney Parades don’t make it for me. You’ve got horses pulling trolley cars on Main Street. Have them march in your Electric Parade. Then I’d consider it a real deal.
3) No stopping to perform anything. Lots of big parades have started doing this and it’s terrible. Macy’s Parade, I’m looking at you. Rose Parade, too. Got to keep things moving. That doesn’t mean you can’t sing, or dance, or have the float you built have a real working giant rocking horse with kids on it. Go ahead. But if you need to come to a full stop to do any of that? Too complicated. Got to keep it moving.
4) Either a flyover of jets, or Santa Claus has to be a part of it. If you have both of these in one parade you’re a parade genius. Skip the rest of this and go get your plaque in the parade Hall of Fame – located in Muncie, Indiana because that sounds like a town that can throw a great parade, I bet.
5) At least one kid asleep in a stroller when the biggest moment of the parade passes by. We’re a democracy, at least for the moment still, and parades aren’t for everyone. The passive resistance of taking a nap while a clown riding a camel passes by, and the clown is making a balloon animal OF A CAMEL is what this country is all about. Close those eyes, baby in a stroller. You’ve had a hard day. Years from now your parents will remind you that you missed the camel/clown/balloon animal camel.
Okay, those are the rules. Time to tell you about the best parade in the world that you never got to see. It took place on a tennis court somewhere in the back yard of a kingdom called Sherman Oaks, every July 4th. Spearheaded by Fred and Mary. You had to participate – it was mandatory. I think the first year I went, I sort of rolled my eyes at the idea, but Mary wouldn’t have it. You had to go out to the tennis court and grab a flag, or a hat, or something, and a boom box was plugged in and John Phillips Sousa music blasted. Kids on bikes, babies being pulled in red wagons, sometimes Paul would play the national anthem on a violin. So you have music and you have marching in a circle around the tennis court. Surprises? Oh my, well, you’d see funny people, people who made their living being funny, start to not be ironic or sarcastic by the time they did their first lap around the court. The subtle little flag waves would move from the wrist only action to a full arm back and forth. Kids on bikes or razor scooters would zip by with glee passing anyone who was too slow. It would make me think that the Rose Parade would be SO MUCH BETTER if floats could pass other floats. “Hey there, float for the musical Hamilton! You want to stop the whole parade so you can do your musical number? OKAY, but watch out, we’re COMING AROUND YOU!”
Those are some of the reasons it was a great parade. But the two biggest ones are things you don’t realize until it’s over. Every parade needs an audience or it’s just people marching for no reason. I guess you could have a parade without an audience, but if you do, it starts to feel more like an advancing occupying army taking over. Little less fun. More shelter in place. This parade required you to march in it, but also to take time out to step to the edge and be an audience so the marchers would have someone to wave to.
Sometimes you are the parade, sometimes you support the parade. And there was no formal way this worked out. The crowd sort of intuited it and did it. It was really lovely to behold. Lovely enough that I went ahead and used the word “behold.” That lovely.
The second thing I’ve already hinted at. But doing this every year, watching kids become teens and still march instead of sulk off to the edge of the property under clouds of disdain and irony made you realize that Mary was a powerful person to command that EVERYONE had to participate and that in doing that, you felt like you were part of something bigger than yourself. Seeing Jimmy Kimmel waving a flag and wearing a Statue of Liberty foam crown right alongside a wagon full of kids blowing bubbles is good for whatever ails you.
If your neighborhood has a parade, or your town, or your city. Go and enjoy it. As long as the parking situation isn’t terrible, of course. And at the end, after you’ve watched and the last official person has passed by, get up and walk behind them for a few minutes and wave at people. It’s fun. You’ll feel good about it. And you’ll be the cool surprise that the parade needs.
Have a safe day today. Over in the world of Los Angeles, here’s something to chew on that’s going on. Last night usually is the precursor to the 4th and is a night filled with the sounds and sights of fireworks being set off by amateur celebrants. It’s got its ups and downs, sure. Safety issues, pets can get anxious, and the potential for the yearly palm tree to catch fire that unofficially says it’s the 4th of July in Hollywood.
Something else is going on in Los Angeles right now. My aim with this community here on substack is to not talk about politics, but L.A. is being occupied right now. And people are scared. Maybe that’s okay, or the point, or whatever. But on the way home from the Dodgers game last night, it was quiet. I usually pass by several blocks where people are starting the fireworks a day early. Nothing. Maybe two or three booms after I got home. But that was it. It’s quiet here. The world could use some more large men in tiny cars with masonic fez hats, I think.
See you out in the world. I’ll be waving and cheering you on like you’re in a parade even if you don’t think you are. Because I’m –
The Most Important Chicano In Hollywood That You Don’t Know About
Word of mouth builds and can you believe it? It’s July 2025, and we are STILL GROWING. We did hit that new round number I told you about last week. Wow. Love it. Tell someone you care about that we’re here and we’re a fun group.
This is me waving at you.